


Sing Along with Emperor Palpatine!

by handschuhmaus



Category: Belle and Sebastian, Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Gen, Originally Posted on FanFiction.Net, Song Parody
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-02-14
Updated: 2014-02-14
Packaged: 2018-02-15 10:05:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2224974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/handschuhmaus/pseuds/handschuhmaus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Parodies of currently Belle and Sebastian songs from Palpatine's perspective, mostly directed toward Vader. Or occasionally Luke. Or Dooku. Heh.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Questionable Costume Choices of Rassilon, I mean the Sith!

**Author's Note:**

> From the first chapter on ff.net:  
>  _This fic contains a series of song parodies rewritten from Palpatine's perspective. I do not own the rights to any of the songs, nor the characters contained herein. The T rating is mostly a precaution because first and foremost this being Palpatine there's a great deal of macabre humor, occasionally the songs contain or originally contained language, and some lines contain metaphors to sexual situations._
> 
> (...however, I've not rated it T here...)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _(Originally written as a later chapter and so now as the first one introducing rather than returning to the theme of Vader being Palpy's "fashion tip", a parody of Belle & Sebastian's "Dress Up In You" from _The Life Pursuit _. Do be forewarned, if you didn't know, that, while this chapter is rated solely for violent imagery, the original song does contain potentially objectionable language in the chorus. That I've replaced this at one point with "Force-choke" may suggest what the word is. Or not. This is one of my favorites; I find myself singing it at random times.)_

I'm the Emperor  
I'm the Emperor of the land  
You're a loser  
I won't dismiss you out of hand  
'Cause you had a beautiful face  
It could've taken you places

You keep running  
I gave you money, you've got fame  
Every morning, I see your picture on the trains  
Now you're a "Sith Lord"  
So says your resume  
I led you to the Dark Side  
You couldn't save a life along the way

You're insubordinate, you're not answering my calls  
Your coordinates  
I expected this last fall  
Get back to Coruscant  
So singular you're not  
I need you here;  
We've quite a lot to talk about

We've had a deal now,  
One you signed in Jedi blood  
An understanding  
Apprentices never keep their word  
I'm disappointed  
I'm aggravated  
Things haven't gone my way,  
I guess I'll have to:

Blow up all the faces of rivals  
I swear and rant, I make quite an arrival  
They're all surprised by my language  
I once was discrete, they're all hypocrites  
Force-choke them, too!

I always flattered you  
You always had a lot of power  
Anakin Skywalker, Chosen One  
Turned to the dark  
You've got the essence, _friend_  
If I could have a second skin  
I'd probably dress up as you

You're a Sith now,  
You've no time for things like love  
Your boy's a Skywalker  
And though he's naive as a dove  
You've made him hate you  
He'll never join you  
For a dad he wanted someone else  
Now I can turn him to the Dark as well

He'll blow up in the face of his rival  
You swear and rant, he makes quite an arrival  
Don't be surprised by my knowledge  
You act so discrete, you're a hypocrite  
Forget you  
So kill him, boy.


	2. The Days of the Sith Are Here Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Again, I don't own the rights. This chapter contains a little strong-ish language and a prostitution metaphor in addition to all the obvious macabre themes._
> 
> _(This chapter is based on Belle & Sebastian's "My Wandering Days Are Over" from_ Tigermilk. _Another favorite I've been singing. In which we catalog Palpatine's rise to the top. And the politician featured uses words metaphorically, again or, rather, because of chapter rearranging, for the first time:)_

You know my Senator days are over,  
But does that mean that I'm getting boring?  
You tell me  
I'm tired of listening to Valorum  
I'm tired of fixing things for Padme and the rest of them.

You know, my Chancellor days are over  
I hung my robes up and then retired from the Senate floor  
The nature of my so-called identity  
The Sith between Seperatist forces and the Jedi's door  
At the Temple door

You know, my celibate days are over  
I've put you straight on the finer points  
Of my Dark Side powers  
Through the windows of the Chancellor's office  
A foolish Jedi falls, a sorry tale, and you turn to me  
Yes, you turn to me

Six months on, Republic's gone  
The disenchanted General  
Left the town with the former Queen  
The Senator got lonely.  
At Mustafar, the sinister song  
I wrote is rendered wholly  
Amidala's dying, feeling melancholy

You say it's fate that's doing it  
A tragic dream of your secret wife has been bugging you  
Now the secret of the way it should be  
The story of the Sith life saving, the Dark Side, yeah.

You know my masquerade is over  
I've donned this face for the final time and I've walked away  
I've seen you in my new Empire  
You're whoring out for greedy Moffs, on the Death Star, yeah  
You'll bury Anakin  
You'll go through hell

Six months on, Republic's gone  
Disenchanted, Kenobi  
Sneaks a ride with Padme  
Pregnant Senator got lonely  
At Mustafar, the final fight  
Will send you to the Dark Side  
Your wife and kids, you've killed, what a pity

Pretty lady  
Melancholy  
What a pity  
Rendered wholly  
You're so foolish  
Rendered wholly  
Melancholy  
You're so dumb  
Padme's dying


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _To reiterate yet again, I don't own any of the relevant rights. This one contains less objectionable content (save for a mention of wine tasting) though it frequently borders on silliness._
> 
> _(I'm not 100% sure on Dooku's first name here, but I've fairly thoroughly adopted it myself. Presumably the 318 is some sort of train route or something, since it's not baseball here. Yes, I do realize that the verses parodied are not in their original order. Today it's once more Belle & Sebastian, "Piazza, New York Catcher", off _Dear Catastrophe Waitress, _collage (i.e cut and paste verses into random order and/or borrow the endings of other verses) style and somewhat shortened. Were you so utterly determined, I suppose, given my retention of "elope", you could interpret this with several pairings in varying degrees of good taste. (by which I mean that last part of the last verse is most definitely not_ but _I do totally queerplatonically ship 'im with Tyranus, so...) Obi-Wan was not actually made to lay on the floor crying and mourning Qui-Gon or otherwise harmed in the making of this parody.)_

Elope with me, Yan Dooku  
And we'll sail around the stars  
You can be Darth Tyranus  
And I the king of Mars- _wait, that's not even in galactic boundaries. Oh well. Continuing:_  
How many nights of talking in hotel rooms can you take?  
How many nights of limping round on Sith-ly holidays  
Oh, elope with me, Yan Dooku  
And we'll set something ablaze  
A trail for the Jedi to erase

Anakin hits the 318- _What? What does that even mean?_  
And practices every day  
Kenobi puts the Order first  
And rests on holidays  
He goes into the Temple  
And lies prostrate on the floor  
He's really missing Qui-Gon Jinn,  
He's hoping for a door-  
way to a relationship with Anakin  
-That always makes you cry  
Kenobi's crying too, and well he may.

Elope with me, Skywalker  
And we'll drink ourselves away  
We'll taste Corellian vintages  
And deny certificates  
A dinner bill to keep the feel  
Of Mentor-Jedi style  
We'll comment on the decor  
And critique the passersby  
And when I dismiss the Senate  
We'll continue the debate  
In my borrowed palace  
Redecorated black

Vader, I've a drowning grip  
On your mutilated face  
Son Luke, misguided responsibility  
Has found a place  
Beside you says your father  
He'll slay me and he will rule  
Come join me for the Sith,  
you know obey the Rule of Two  
You will kill your father, I know it, there's no debate  
You'll turn to the Dark Side, little Sith

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And yes, he did get a bit delusional just there at the end. Wanna review?


End file.
